Thursday, 24 May 2012

I Don't Like Sunshine (I'm A Goth)

in true British style, here is a right old moan.

i hate the sunshine. i can't stand summer. i don't like people at the best of times, and in the summer they become positively loathsome. why? because they revel in something i cannot stand.

The Sun.

what, may i ask, is so special about a ball of radiation that causes cancer and blinds you if you try to look at it properly?

the thing i hate most about people in hot weather is they whinge all winter long about the cold, and the minute it gets hot, they start complaining it's *too* hot. i am not one of those people. i relish the crisp cold when one can don hat, gloves and a scarf and look forward to the warmth of the inside once a safe haven is reached. i may complain about the rain, but this happens in both heat and cold. i complain about the heat consistently, and without waver.

a list is always satisfying so here we go:

Why Louise Crane Age 27 And 2 Months Hates The Sun:

1. you can't walk at more than a speed i would term "languid" without breaking into a sweat.
2. you can't be pale and interesting with a tan.
3. cashmere is out, cotton is in. thin, creasy material in vapid pastels and no chance to accessorise with a stylish beret, a cheery scarf or some cracking leather gloves.
4. in order to maintain a non-life threatening core temperature one is forced to reveal large amounts of skin for the purposes of perspiration. which builders cannot seem to resist catcalling about. yes, poor, attractive me.
5. call me fatist but with 60% of the adult population classed as either overweight or obese, most British people should really not be showing that much flesh.*
6. in 2008, 2,067 people died from skin cancer in the UK.
7. snuggling up at night under a duvet is not an option. when lying as still as possible with the incessant whirr of a fan that merely circulates the warm air around and around resounding in your ears, sleep is impossible.
8. Britain is not built for heat. have you ever worked in an office that has functional air-conditioning?
9. my Mum used to tell me not to sit close to the fire, because the radiated heat will burn my skin. THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE ALL THE TIME IN THE SUN.
10. drought.

ten is a good number for a list so i shall stop there, and finish with a link to the glorious "Goths In Hot Weather"

until it rains...

*i realise this is one of the most deplorable things i have said in public. possibly the most. forgive for i am hot, clammy, angry and miserable as well as being lonely, heartbroken and in pain. update: i'm not talking about people who are carrying an extra pound or 11. i rather enjoy a curve of ample bosom, a sturdy calf and a shake of healthy butt. i'm talking about the pot-bellied lager louts that appear to be ten months pregnant and who strip off their shirts the moment the mercury rises past 24 degrees.

1 comment:

  1. I'm with you, I hate sun, wearing next to nothing and sweating. Thank goodness for SPF 100. At least that way I don't tan.