dog

I have given a name to my pain and call it "dog." It is just as faithful, just as obtrusive and shameless, just as entertaining, just as clever as any other dog - and I can scold it and vent my bad mood on it, as others do with their dogs, servants, and wives. 

Friedrich Nietzsche in The Gay Science, 1887

Watcher In The Woods

“If we didn't have strong feelings, how could we love or fight? When our flesh is cut, we bleed. When our heart is broken, we cry. There's nothing wrong with that. It only becomes a problem when it gets in the way of what you have to do. You can't crumble when others are counting on you.”

Robert Liparulo

the last resort

"Although the outcome that we had hoped for did not materialise, I realized the dangers attendant upon such an operation, and I am satisfied that you did all within your power in a difficult situation. While no one could fortell the extent of the mental improvement had she lived, I think that it is providential that she should be taken as she was rather than, without the chance of an operation, that she should continue year afer year to suffer the mental agony which for so long had been her lot."

from Jack D. Pressman, Last Resort: Psychosurgery and the Limits of Medicine (1998)

Gobbolino, the witch's cat

I have just adopted a 5-week-old kitten. He's black with a bit of a white belly and four white paws. He is tiny and adorable.

He was found by a friend of a friend, who posted a photo of him on Twitter. As soon as I saw him, I was reminded of this song I used to sing as a little girl in music class. Loki is not quite Gobbolino: he does have bright blue eyes and is black, but, he has three more white paws and as much as I'd like to, I don't have magic.

The song is based on a story about a witch's cat who does not like his humble beginnings, and leaves his sister Sootica to embark on a life of adventure. He comes unstuck though, and eventually returns to the farm that he first left and becomes a kitchen cat, as he started. His black coat has faded to an "unrecognisable tabby" which is another similarity, because Loki is actually a black tabby, not "black all over".


Gobbolino, the witch’s cat

One fine night in a witch’s cavern,
Two kittens rolled on to the floor;
One, called Sootica, was black all over,
The other, Gobbolino, had one white paw.

Who’ll give a home to a kitten?
Who’ll give a home to a cat?
Gobbolino you may call me;
I want just a fire and a mat.

One white paw and a sheen of tabby,
Two lovely eyes not green but blue,
None of the witches would take this kitten …
And neither did his mother know what to do.

Then one day, when the sun was shining,
Gobbolino found he was all alone.
The witch had gone a deserted him forever,
So Gobbolino washed himself, then he left home.


the lyrics end here but I think that's a fault of the website I found them on... does anyone know the rest?

Joseph Brearley 1909-1977 by Harold Pinter

Dear Joe, I’d like to walk with you
From Clapton Pond to Stamford Hill
And on,
Through Manor House to Finsbury Park,
And back,
On the dead 653 trolleybus,
To Clapton Pond,
And walk across the shadows on to Hackney Downs,
And stop by the old bandstand,
You tall in moonlight,
And the quick shadow in which it persists.

You’re gone. I’m at your side,
Walking with you from Clapton Pond to Finsbury Park,
And on, and on.

1977, Teacher of English

Prophet and Loss

As it kicked in,

The stray psilocybin

In the Boeuf Bourgignon,

He said,

"I’ve an urge,

Next market day,

To kick it all over.

I don’t know why,

I just feel

It’s the root

Of all our unease."

Then stripped to the waist

He tore up the street

Screaming,

"England is dying,"

'Til they took him away.

Paul Maddocks (1969 - 2007)

on the med

i've created a Tumblr for the photos of the medication i'm taking, it's here if you want to see all the #25aday photos together, just click on the photo below.

the title is actually a bit of a misnomer now, because as of this week i'm no longer taking two ibuprofen tablets and two paracetamol four times a day (which, if you can do simple multiplication, is of course, the bulk of the 25 tablets i've been taking).

i'm unconvinced that paracetamol and ibuprofen have ever given me much pain relief. i do mean to look into the genetic differences that cause people to be non-responders to these two different types of painkiller (ibuprofen is a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug, or NSAID). i sprained my ankle two weeks ago and it's still painful to walk on, so it will be interesting to see if it feels any different today, having been off this combination for more than 24 hours.

i've also run out of codeine tablets, and fortunately, my back is a lot better so i'm not too worried about that.

the one thing that has made a big difference to my back problem is a brilliant physiotherapist who understands and treats the problem not as an acute injury or complaint, but as a whole body problem triggered by the way i move, sit and stand. Hannah Maxey at Complete Physio agrees that it's very likely that due to repeated problems with the hamstrings i injured when i was thirteen, i'm not bending my knees enough and moving in such a way that puts strain on the small, weak muscles in my back and buttocks - such as the piriformis - rather than the strong gluteus. hence the horrible sciatic nerve pinching that's been going on - this nerve runs straight along (or sometimes through) the piriformis, so if that muscle is inflammed, it irritates the nerve, which causes this horrible electrical burning sensation down my left leg.

it's not 100% better, i still get a lot of back soreness and i'm still taking pregabalin twice a day to reduce the nerve, or neuropathic, pain. but i'm getting there and finally on the mend.

drugs

Last week I was prescribed pregabalin, a drug that targets nerve, or "neuropathic" pain. This is intended to mask my sciatica, a condition that makes my left leg feel like there's a very long, fine saw running up and down the outside of my hip, thigh, calf and ankle. The prescription takes the total number of pills and tablets I take to 25. Every day.

I am going to photograph the tablets I take in interesting settings, and post them on Instagram, as a little insight into and record of my painful life.

My Jubilympics thoughts

My thoughts on the Jubilee have been a little clouded until today, when I saw this tweet by Doug Segal. I think the monarchy is outdated, but with the exception of a few, they aren't bad people. I don't believe in subservience, but I strongly believe in charity, and this is where the Royals come through. During the build up to this weekend, I've been affectionately using the hashtag #jubilympics, a brilliant portmanteau used by the equally brilliant Jessica Hynes's character in the spoof Olympics documentary Twenty Twelve.

I am hugely disappointed about London 2012. Initially, as a sports fan, I was excited about the "greatest show on Earth"coming to my home city. But its lack of respect for Londoners, the people who run the city, has snubbed this excitement out. Not to mention the massive overspend, lack of achieving its aims, and over-saturation of sports-themed activities in my field of work. I'll still watch The Games, as I enjoy observing the limits and drive of the human body and spirit, to see people who have dedicated their lives to one thing.

And that is what The Queen has done. She was born into a tradition, an institution, that has been around for centuries. Her religion and her upbringing teaches that she was chosen by God to be born into this privileged life, to one day rule the waves. To condemn that is to be a little intolerant of religious beliefs, I feel. I'm no monarchist, and I believe Christianity (and other organised religion) is an ancient way to understand the world and control society that science and democracy has made irrelevant. It does have some benefits, though, particularly with regard to community and personal relationships, which I've blogged about here. The Queen exists, and judging by her robust health, she's not going away anytime soon. When she does, I hope she will be succeed by her grandson, a man who appears humble, kind and considerate, dedicated to his wife and a job that saves people's lives, making use of the skills he was fortunate enough to learn due to his high status.

As the Church has community benefits, so does the Jubilee. Look at all the communal celebrations. People from different houses in different roads with the different backgrounds and origins and ideas coming together on the streets to share food, drink and laughter. Look at all the beautiful public expressions of creativity and humour. I've particularly enjoyed @Queen_UK's live-tweeting of her Jubilee experience and the tens of comedians (professional and wannabe) on Twitter taking the piss out of Queenie and her Jubblies.

By all means roll your eyes at the naff bunting and the faux national pride. I don't think the UK deserves this pride. Its government is a farce, society is still blighted by racism and poverty, and the England football team is really pretty crap. Go have a picnic with your colleagues. Have a Republican party! The Jubilee is an excuse to get out there and have some fun in whatever way you want, and if you want, see an elderly couple who are so clearly just as in love as the day they met. Do not waste your energy on being negative, angry or upset about something you cannot change. If you want to use that energy: start a revolution.

on a personal tangent: i've recently had to accept that the man i adored does not want to talk to me or see me anymore. for weeks i tried to change this: i texted and called and even went to see him in places i'd knew he would be. if this sounds "crazy", well, yes: i was prescribed anti-depressants earlier this year. but as i say above, you cannot change something immovable, and now i have started to come to terms with this, i am a small bit happier. i know that he no longer has to deal with me and i expect he feels better for that, which makes me feel better. i am no longer fighting and wasting my energy on something that is futile. i stil miss him every single day of my life but at least it's now a life i want to live.

I Don't Like Sunshine (I'm A Goth)

in true British style, here is a right old moan.

i hate the sunshine. i can't stand summer. i don't like people at the best of times, and in the summer they become positively loathsome. why? because they revel in something i cannot stand.

The Sun.

what, may i ask, is so special about a ball of radiation that causes cancer and blinds you if you try to look at it properly?

the thing i hate most about people in hot weather is they whinge all winter long about the cold, and the minute it gets hot, they start complaining it's *too* hot. i am not one of those people. i relish the crisp cold when one can don hat, gloves and a scarf and look forward to the warmth of the inside once a safe haven is reached. i may complain about the rain, but this happens in both heat and cold. i complain about the heat consistently, and without waver.

a list is always satisfying so here we go:

Why Louise Crane Age 27 And 2 Months Hates The Sun:

1. you can't walk at more than a speed i would term "languid" without breaking into a sweat.
2. you can't be pale and interesting with a tan.
3. cashmere is out, cotton is in. thin, creasy material in vapid pastels and no chance to accessorise with a stylish beret, a cheery scarf or some cracking leather gloves.
4. in order to maintain a non-life threatening core temperature one is forced to reveal large amounts of skin for the purposes of perspiration. which builders cannot seem to resist catcalling about. yes, poor, attractive me.
5. call me fatist but with 60% of the adult population classed as either overweight or obese, most British people should really not be showing that much flesh.*
6. in 2008, 2,067 people died from skin cancer in the UK.
7. snuggling up at night under a duvet is not an option. when lying as still as possible with the incessant whirr of a fan that merely circulates the warm air around and around resounding in your ears, sleep is impossible.
8. Britain is not built for heat. have you ever worked in an office that has functional air-conditioning?
9. my Mum used to tell me not to sit close to the fire, because the radiated heat will burn my skin. THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE ALL THE TIME IN THE SUN.
10. drought.

ten is a good number for a list so i shall stop there, and finish with a link to the glorious "Goths In Hot Weather"

until it rains...
Louise

*i realise this is one of the most deplorable things i have said in public. possibly the most. forgive for i am hot, clammy, angry and miserable as well as being lonely, heartbroken and in pain. update: i'm not talking about people who are carrying an extra pound or 11. i rather enjoy a curve of ample bosom, a sturdy calf and a shake of healthy butt. i'm talking about the pot-bellied lager louts that appear to be ten months pregnant and who strip off their shirts the moment the mercury rises past 24 degrees.

National Doughnut Week: the winner!

If anyone has been reading these blogs, you probably know the winner of the #luludonut reviews. The absolutely runaway winner, with a total score of 26.5/30, was Sainsbury's Raspberry Jam Ball Doughnuts. They were certainly my favourite - just the right amount of fresh-fried warmth with a tart, sticky jam and a perfectly chewy dough. God I want a doughnut.

Anyway, here are the final scores:

Sainsbury's: 26.5/30
Krispy Kreme: 21.5/30
Co-op: 16/30
Tesco: 16/30

Now I confess. Even though it wasn't National Doughtut Week today, I had another doughnut. What review would be complete without the stalwart supermarket that is Marks and Spencer! So here is my review:

Louise

At 41p per doughnut, you'd expect something a bit bigger. Having said that, it's the kind of size that makes you feel a bit less guilty for indulging, but at the same time satisfied. There's a decent amount of sugar as a coating and a crispy brown outside. But it all seems a bit trite. The inside is chewy though light and there's enough jam, but it's rather thin and sugary. It's a standard doughnut, but it doesn't stand out. Not enough oomph, no courage, no pizazz. Sorry M&S, you're a little bit too stiff upper lip for me.

7/10

So there you have it. Not even good old Markies can stand up to the beautiful, golden, juicy, moist, delicious Sainsbury's doughnut. I'll take 5, please.

National Doughnut Week: Krispy Kreme Glazed Raspberry

Krispy Kreme opened their first UK store in 2003 (it was in Harrods. Of course.) They now have about 35 stores and there are Krispy Kreme "cabinets" in many Tesco stores and WHSmiths. They are brightly coloured, packed with sugar, and a pure dopamine hit. But are they as good as the lead doughnut in our reviews, Sainsbury's Jam Ball Doughnut?

Price is £1.50 for one (although a very naughty tip: if you go through self-service tills you could, if you weren't so conscentious as me, pass them off as "Original Glazed", which cost £1.25). Bag says they're suitable for vegetarians.

Louise

Very very sweet – a thick sugar syrup coats this doughnut. It has a chewy innard that seems fresh, though possibly because it’s packed full of artificial preservatives. There’s just something too perfect about it – the shape, the sheen. It’s just so… American.

The jam pool is nice and big, reaching from top to bottom but surprisingly, for its perfection, it’s a little off-centre. The jam is fairly tart but it seems like an imposter. The flavour is the blue raspberry ice-pop that you got all over your hands, face - and for some unknown reason, socks - at Bethany Jones’s 7th birthday party.

I don’t want another and in my book, if you can’t eat two doughnuts in a row, it’s not good enough.

All in all, I just think Krispy Kreme is trying too hard.

5/10

Lewis

Krispy Kreme's elliptical doughnut rounds off the week. A generous coating of sugar syrup smothers the moist and chewy innards. The jam is more curranty than berry-y; but the blackcurrant taste upfront, unfortunately, finishes with a less pleasant after-taste. A decent attempt at the traditional jam doughnut.

7.5/10

Michelle


This was the doughnut I had been waiting for all week. And it certainly did not disappoint. If Plato’s cave had contained doughnuts, this would certainly have been it. Perfectly sized, cooked to an ideal and covered in a sugar syrup.

A single bite led me to the superbly proportioned jam pool; a beautiful tart preserve; acidic but not too much, something to provide contrast to the gorgeously light dough.

I’m tempted to hunt another one down tomorrow.

9/10 (I’m a perfectionist – I’m not sure I’d ever award 10)

National Doughnut Week: Tesco Jam Doughnut Monsters x5

Tesco, the supermarket mega-giant where you can buy pants, paracetamol, pickles and pet insurance. How do their doughnuts fare? Our crack team tell you below, including guest reviewer Jacob Lonsdale.

Jacob

The visual impact of Tesco’s fresh-baked jam doughnut is underwhelming. It is both smaller than the traditional baker’s doughnut and less shapely. Sugar is unevenly distributed and, though it scores well in terms of colour, it does not proffer the moist and sensual allure, the promise of an almost indecent oral experience that the top doughnut houses pride themselves on.

Texture was somewhat dry and firm throughout, but particularly on top, leaving one longing for the fluffy flesh of a Viennese Sachertorte or the air-light flakiness of a Parisian croissant.

Jam pool siting was optimal – slightly off centre – though the content was a mildly disappointing raspberry.

Having said all that, any doughnut is better than no doughnut. Yum. Thanks.

6/10

Louise

The skin is like a brown paper bag: bland, boring. The dough is too dry and my tongue tires of the monotonous chewing of this disappointing ‘nut. The jam appears, rather than bursts, onto the scene. This is the saving grace: the tartness stimulates salivation, which helps with swallowing the dry confection. To be frank, I’m glad when it’s over. My least favourite doughnut so far.

5/10

Lewis

Tesco’s offering for National Doughnut Week was quite small, with more granulated sugar around it, than remaining on the doughnut itself. Dry and tough, I wondered if it might be stale. The jam is less of a reservoir and more of a puddle and not of the highest quality, too tart and not fruity enough. A rather disappointing morsel.

5/10

Oh dear Tesco. How very disappointing. But your reputation might be saved by a third party... Tesco are the only supermarket in England to sell Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and we shall review them next!

National Doughnut Week: Sainsbury's Jam Ball Doughnuts x5

Sainsbury's turn today. I arrived at ten to nine in the morning and no doughnuts were on the shelf! I almost screamed in horror until a helpful stock assistant when to look for them, and found me not one but two packs, still warm. I restricted myself to just the one pack though.

At 65p for five these are cheaper than Co-op's. They're vegetarian too (though I forgot to check whether Co-op's are).

Louise

Golden, slightly crisp skin of the doughnut with just the right amount of greasiness. Soft but perfectly chewy and the best proportion of sugar – a lovely thick coating due to it syrupy nature. Lip-lickingly good, in fact. First bite reveals the tempting jam pool, second bite and it’s in my mouth. God I love these doughnuts. They’re a very good size but I could easily eat three in a row. I stopped at two though as I didn’t want to a spoil my appetite for lunch. Which, admittedly, was another doughnut.

9.5/10 (because nothing is ever perfect)

Lewis

You know when you're at the fair as a kid and you get fresh doughnuts, straight from the fryer? Well somehow that's how Sainbury's has managed to produce their off-the-shelf offering. Moist, chewy and, well, doughy (strangely enough), they are really rather good. The choice of sugar syrup, rather than granulated, might not be to everyone's taste, but it does ensure there is still a sugar coating on the doughnut (not the box) when you get to eat them. I hope National Doughnut Week hasn't peaked early...

9/10

Michelle

Today’s offering was less of a fail,

Significantly larger, slightly more pale,

The doughnut less firm to the touch; more aerated.

Using sugar syrup, not granulated.

Then we get to the important bit; inside The jam pool was imbalanced, too much on one side.

Once I found it though, it sure did taste good.

Leaving me craving more, like a doughnut should.

8/10

Michelle, as before, demonstrating some excellent poetic licence. A very popular doughnut, this one.

Tomorrow is Tesco!

National Doughnut Week: Co-op Jam Doughnuts 5pk

Tuesday's delicious doughnut is from the Co-op. At 85p for 5, it's good value. Plus, if you're bringing doughnuts in for your team, you can get two packs of five for just £1.20. Not such a good idea if you're going on a solo doughnut binge though.

The doughnuts were warm when I bought them this morning, which was exciting. I enjoy simple pleasures. Although, worryingly, the packaging states they have been prepared in an environment that handles celery, crustaceans, fish, lupin and molluscs. What is lupin? Wolf meat?!

Onto the reviews:

Louise

This is a good travel-sized doughnut, but possibly a bit small for a growling mid-morning stomach that hasn't had any breakfast. I could easily eat two. The dough is nice and firm and chewy, though the outside a little tough. I'm a fan of granulated sugar, so points for that. However, I didn't reach the all important "jam pool" until four bites, which is too long in my book. More of the sticky red stuff please.

7/10

Lewis  

Coop's 5-pack of small doughnuts is the first offering in our Doughnut Week reviewing task. They are certainly nearer the firmer and chewier end of the spectrum, perhaps a symptom of being designed to sit on a shelf for a while. There is a decent well of jam in the centre and, although tasty, I don't think that the WI will be awarding it prizes any time soon. By the time my chops get round it, most of the sugar has dropped off; but it does provide a decent-enough start to the week's reviewing.

5/10 

Michelle

Whilst my colleagues gulped theirs down, I deliberately waited, restraining myself, allowing anticipation to rise. My eyes danced around object in front of me. I noted the slightly disappointing size, a slightly irregular shape, and although my excitement waned slightly, my hunger remained.  I wrapped my hands around it, felt it firm and lifted it to meet my lips, running my tongue along its surface.

And then took a bite.

It was disappointing to be honest – the dough was too firm. Whilst there was sufficient jam, this is more a reflection of the size of the confectionary rather than the quantity of jam. The sugar was too coarse and unevenly spread across the surface, and as a whole I didn’t find the doughnut sweet enough nor suitably satisfying.

It gave me a sugar hit, and thus gains some points, but not many.

4/10

Looks like I'm more generuos with my marks than my colleagues, though perhaps it's because I love doughnuts so much. Tune in tomorrow for more in-depth reviews of doughnuts, this time from Sainsbury's.

National Doughnut Week

It's National Doughnut Week! What do you mean, you've never heard of it and this is just an excuse for you to talk even more about doughnuts? Okay, possibly. But it does exists and it's been set up by The Children's Trust, a national charity that provides specialist care and rehabilitation for children with multiple disabilities. Every doughnut sold in participating bakers raises money for this important organisation.

Now, I've oft wondered: which supermarket makes the best doughnut? Is the powdery sugar of Tesco greater than the tingly crunch of Co-op's granulating topping? There's only one way to find out, and that is this: EAT ALL THE DOUGHNUTS. or more specifically, eat one doughnut from a different supermarket every day this week.

I have enlisted two most excellent colleagues to help me with this task, and to ensure I don't waste any delicious treats (I have been known to eat four doughnuts in a row, but doing that every day might possibly be a little unhealthy). So Michelle (@MLBrook), Lewis (@LewisGDean) and myself (@lulucrumble) will be tasting and rating a doughnut a day until Friday, and posting our reviews on this blog and Twitter. Hashtag #luludonut.

We're starting on Tuesday as I was out of the office Monday. The four supermarkets are, in order: Co-Op, Sainsbury's, Tesco A (own brand) and Tesco B (Krispy Kreme). Okay okay, I know Krispy Kreme isn't a supermarket but the other two begged me.

Join in if you like and post your review below or on Twitter. Note: they all have to be jam donuts with no special topping.

Untitled

The many nightmares seem to have ended and by day
I am awaking from one long, hazy dream. I am going
backwards as the world thrusts forward, or so it seems;
but we are both wrong and only one of us is doing
anything to try and correct. On I go; or back.

...and it is here that I feel most truly alive,
back, back amongst the dead. For I was dead
once and yet to be, now living I am yet to be dead,
feeling so longing once more for life.

For even in the fields of the romances of both faint and flint-
hearted middle classes are their children growing
into desolation - nought to haven't, no food for
their minds, their souls withering.

Paul Maddocks
26 January 1969 - 19 April 2007

Present, tense

Oh poor he
that imbibes
pills, whisky
and survives.
Awakes in
unknown place,
gleaming white,
not heaven
but hell; race
through all thoughts
not dispelled.
Attempt to
end them all,
die, has failed.
Nurse glowers,
doctor rails.
Present tense,
past gone, no
future nailed.

Paul Maddocks
(1969-2007)

Nick Drake

Wikipedia is down, in protest against SOPA. Out of curiosity, I checked the app version on my phone, and it's still up. Their featured article of the day is about the tragic singer Nick Drake. Drake is one of those musical interests I picked up in my late teenage years, listened to obsessively and then dropped as I moved on to the next auditory addiction. So my interest was piqued.

I started reading about him and coincidence compelled me to read more. Drake killed himself aged 26. I am 26. Nothing in that really but just a chime. Drake killed himself with an overdose of amitriptyline - unknown to be accidental or otherwise. I dose myself with amitriptyline - though in my case, not for crippling depression but to prevent searing headaches and unbearable back pain.

But what struck me is the quote from Drake's sister about his death because it echoes so much what I feel about my brother's death, which was ruled an open verdict rather than suicide because the coroner could not determine if he intended to end his life or whether it was a horrible misjudgement:

"I'd rather he died because he wanted to end it than it to be the result of a tragic mistake. That would seem to be terrible..."

I'd rather Paul intended to die than had his life snatched away from him by a mistake. It just doesn't seem fair. But nothing is fair about what happened. I'll never know and that's something I have to live with.

Nick Drake's grave in Solihull, West Midlands. By Robpics69 on Wikipedia.

The Campaign Against Living Miserably

Suicide is the leading cause of death in men under 35 in recent years. Men are nearly three times more likely than women to take their own life. In men under 35, suicide is the second most common cause of death in England and Wales. In Scotland, more men between the ages of 15-35 kill themselves than die from any other cause.

I wish this wasn't the case. I wish that no one wanted to kill themselves. I wish my brother hadn't killed himself.

But life isn't like that. It's hard and it's unfair and some people are so stricken by mental health problems that death seems like the only possible way to cope. We must, together, look after these people and help them find a way out of the worst despair you can't imagine. We have to stop 4,500 people killing themselves (in just England and Wales) every year.

The Campaign Against Living Miserably, CALM, is a lifeline for people who desperately need this help. Originally set up to reduce the high suicide rate amongst young men, they run a free, confidential, anonymous helpline for anybody who needs advice or support. The helpline is open 5pm-midnight from Saturday to Tuesday. But it's not enough. CALM want to run the helpline every day of the week until 3am, but they can't. They are scraping together every penny to cover the existing monthly running costs of £6,400.

This is why Science Showoff, a gig I help to organise, is going to give CALM all its donations in January. The gig is on 12th January at the Wilmington Arms in Clerkenwell, London. Please come along and please, please give generously. We have to help stop the tragedy of suicide.